mind vs. mirror

i'm one of those girls with a fucked up body image. i've been thin. i've been fat. i've been everywhere in between. on the days that i feel all svelte, i can conquer the world! on the days that i feel like a chubby manatee...well, those days just suck.

everyone who has ever taken a photo of me, or been around when it's happened, knows that i have issue with a certain double chin. it shows up...even on the days when i'm feeling like a barbie doll...not as plastic, of course.

i've been fighting with myself lately about loosing my toddler weight...i don't think i can still blame it on the non-existent baby....i have a full blown toddler now. i'm not going to go on and on about the diet i'm starting tomorrow. i'm still fighting and the enchiladas are winning!

during the trip to the valley, Mia and i hit the museum. in the kids area they had fun house mirrors. there's nothing fun about them...well, except the one where i've been stretched and look svelte :)

the valley

we got here on Tues. it's so flat, brown, dry and dusty. i told that to a friend of mine who's originally from Browsville (another valley town), and she said it wouldn't be the valley if it wasn't like that. it's true. it's just a different kind of beauty....mesquite trees, cactus, palm trees.

my mom has an awesome hammock swing hanging from a hugemongous tree. it (with a cold beer) rocks me till i get sleepy before bed, and awake (with my chai) in the morning. i'm resolved to get one when we get a house with big trees. now, if i could just take some of these birds home. they make the sounds of my childhood. i don't hear them anywhere else. i know some are mourning doves...but the rest, well, i have no desire to find out. i just simply love them.
the first night here, i really missed my dad. he died 6 years ago right after christmas. there are so many things that remind me of him...but so many things have changed, too. it was a hard first night out on that swing.

since then, it's been so much better. i'm loving everything for what it is, not for what i still wished it were.

packing update

it's 8:34am and we leave at 11am for the airport. i still haven't packed a thing. this is me living dangerously. when i was younger i was a bit of a thrill seeker...i've found it again :)

off to slowly drink my chai until Mia wakes up and i guess i'll start packing then...packing with a toddler underfoot...it add to the thrill!

stay tuned for my blog entry on everything i forgot to pack.

loitering

My chick, Mia and I are scheduled to depart tomorrow for a 4 day trip to see my mom. um, I'm not even CLOSE to being ready. that's probably because i haven't actually started yet. I've been online checking my email and fav blogs. i have tons of laundry to do, luggage to get out, snacks to sort through, toys, books, stickers to gather. and it's not like we're driving. we're flying, so i can't really put off departure time. hell, i'd rather exercise than get ready...well, maybe not exercise :)

i talk a good game

last night, Daryl & i went over to Courtney & Harry's place for a friendly game of poker. Erica & Dave, and Stephanie & Michael, also wanted me to take their money.

first off, Harry had a yummy spread! Daryl contributed his famous 7-layer dip, and Stephanie some spicy salsa. it was Erica's birthday, so Harry also pulled out all the stops by making a chocolate decadence cake with raspberry sauce for Erica's birthday. Seriously Delicious.

poker? yeah, i sucked, but i was AWESOME at drinking. sometimes you just don't get the cards. when that happens, you are NOT supposed to keep on bettin'. Daryl made up for my loss, and we pretty much came home even, but I came home with my pride a little dented. Erica, the birthday girl, was the big winner of the night...as she should be.

regret vs. guilt.....sort of

i was chatting with buddies this afternoon. a couple of beers later, and some how were on the subject of husbands. One friend said that when she asked her husband if he regretted anything in his life, he said no. That it all made him who he is. While I understand that concept, I can't get over how confident that sounded.

later, when i got home, i asked Daryl if he regretted anything in his life and he just looked at me and said no. i KNEW he would say that. my husband has a certain kind of quiet confidence about him...very elegant in a way. he reminds me so much of my dad (i know) in that respect.

i know i am who i am because of the total of experiences in my life...good and bad. but i can't help regretting some things....a lot of things actually.

this morning...i regret that i gave Mia an enriched white flour waffle instead of the flax, omega-3, whole grain ones we usually have. maybe regret is to harsh of a word. but i still keep running things around in my head in loops. 'well, it's homemade....yeah, it's homemade crap....'

i don't usually beat myself up over little things like this. i guess it's more mama guilt than regret. hmmmm

i am so not legend

last night, Daryl and i watched I Am Legend. to say the least, it creeped me out. we watched it in the dark, the 'creepy guys' lived in the dark and attacked in the dark. tonight, the dark is not my friend. so, here i sit at 10:30pm in a well lit room wondering how i'm going turn off this light, cross the dark bedroom and get into my safe bed with my strong (sleeping) husband with minimal flashbacks of the creepy guys.

my sunday so far

i have no idea why, but my PMDD symptoms are pretty much gone without the '.' that's a good thing, now wondering when i'll get it. it sucks (contraception wise) not knowing where i am in my cycle.

on to the allergies. i woke up feeling hungover, but i didn't drink last night....that's just not fair. so, i checked the pollen counts and oak is like 1,666 something or other...note the demonic reference...my headache had to have come straight from hell. ok, i'm exaggerating...but my head does hurt.

once Daryl is done mowing the grass/stirring up oak pollen :p we'll be headed out for Dripping Springs to hang with the fab in-laws. i miss them.

mama love

Stephanie hosted the spring/summer blessingway last night. i really wasn't feeling up to it, but i went anyway, and i'm glad. i was able to give Courtney and Monica neck and shoulder massages. i'm glad i had some lotion in my bag, because i wasn't sure if it was on the list of events for the evening. i was able to pass on some love via massage, and that was a special part of the evening for me.

i dabbled with my camera...lighting was dim and yellowish, but i was able to take a couple good-ish shots. i'm having a lot of fun with it all. i just cant' wait to get my larger memory card in the mail. i love the following shot of Courtney...it reminds me of the beautiful shot Bonnie took of me at the holiday party. fab position for the reduction of all double chins.

this photo taken by Bonnie

Ka-Prow

last night we went to Ka-Prow (makes me think of those old comics..POW!!! Bam!!) for dinner with some awesome friends. i HAD to take my new camera along...to test the lighting and if I know anything about what i'm doing yet. oh, dinner was fab...let's get to the pics :)

really?...again?

for the record, PMDD (i have every single symptom!) sucks! Daryl had to come home at lunch to take care of me...he stayed home the whole afternoon, working and caring for Mia while i slept. one of the perks of being preggers....no pmdd! i have to get on the pill or back on celexa...or i'll go mad and take everyone with me. hoping for a better tomorrow, but know it'll pretty much suck till aunt flo makes her appearance. i'm actually looking forward to my period. how fucked up is that!?!?!

'twas the night before the camera...

...and thoughts of fab shots danced in my head.

today, i pick up my DSLR! sweet Bonnie is selling it to me because she, also, has her sights on a better camera. i can't explain my giddiness right now, but those who know me, understand.

this awesome pic of Bonnie & me taken by Super Mel

sleep....

....it escapes me



my bedtime is now, and for the past 4 nights, 3am. why? i've been preoccupied by something extraordinary. my thoughts have been everywhere...even to the moon and back...if not further. i have tired eyes, but a happy heart.


Mia is the most amazing child. i love to hear her thoughts. i wish i could follow her around with a tape recorder because now, at 1:46am, i have no recollection of her words...free of censorship and full of wonder.

as i was unloading the warm fresh towels earlier this evening, i remembered the feeling of burying myself under the towels my mom had just pulled from the dryer. THAT'S heaven. i've solved the mystery of what heavenly clouds are made of. now, i can sleep...almost.