today

today
i am sad
and i don't know why

actually
i realized
if i didn't miscarry in the spring
i'd have a newborn right now

that's just sad
i didn't expect it to hit me at all, much less hard
see what i know

i'm glad my mom is here to play with Mia
i just want to curl up in bed on this grey grey day

blah

that's how i feel. blah.

sad vs. happy

for the last weekish, i've been feeling blue. not up to much. not returning phone calls. in my cave. pretty sure it's hormonal. the pmdd monster was at my door last week. this week, he's sitting on my sofa. this morning, i cried at a playdate. who the hell cries at a freakin playdate? it was a super fab one at that...faux camp out..with a tent and everything...grilled hot dogs and smores made with the love of the sun. i was sitting on my friends kitchen floor. crying.

i just found out that my scarab tat symbolizes good luck and happiness. hellooooo i have happiness tattooed to my BODY!!!! my dear friends were so compassionate, and Mia is so lovely and easy today. my husband is super sweet and will shift his pool night, if needed so i can go to drum class. my food consumption today included smores, hot dogs, watermelon and a corn dog. oh, try explaining what a corn dog is to a 2 1/2 year old...that'll make ya smile. 'but that is NOT corn, mama'.

what's funny...kinda...is that i've had a freakin rough summer so far, and i haven't cried. at all. i've even TRIED to cry. nothing. until i'm sitting on the kitchen floor of a playdate. for a silly reason. i cried. i wanted to let it loose and bawl like a baby...but i'll save that for my husband. for some reason he likes when i cry....he says i always feel better, he feels like he can actually comforting, and my eyes turn a gorgeous shade of bright blue :) so, the lil waterworks at the playdate this morning did in fact release a lot of crap...

i feel better....kind of happy :)